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When I was little, it use to amaze me how colors were made. In art class I would sit and mix paint because blue and red didn't stay the same when they fell in love. Every single color found its match and danced beautifully as I swirled them together. Black and white were my favorites. I'd pour the creamy paint into a bowl and watch as black and white swirls, turned into grey swirls and owned the container holding it captive. Grey was amazing to me. Because black and white are nothing alike, and grey is in the middle. Black is dark and scary and demanding. And white is graceful, and trusting, and clean. Grey is nothing. Grey is bland. And safe. Grey is careful. And I would do anything to be grey.



Friendship is black and turns to ash in my hands. It is dust, so hard to hold. I am keeping still so none escapes, but it feels like at any moment, the wind will kick up and steal it all away. Every move I make is monitored and judged. I am wary about my words and am second guessing everything. My friends are ash and seem hard to hold even with the cleanest hands. My friends are hiding things and playing with matches and telling me tales and I am sitting on the side, scrutinizing every word. They cannot be grey. Because nothing is grey. I am careful because they are worth my exhaustion, and the thoughts that go into keeping me sane. I am what feels like no shade at all. I am never on the fence. I am never anywhere. I am living where it's safest, I am choosing nothing and siding with no one. I stay the same. I stay where it feels, but cannot be…grey.



Being alone is white and is like snow ever falling on me. It is easy. And there is nothing to it. It's untouchable because flaws and imperfections slip away like dreams and whenever I screw up, I am my only witness. I can think my way out of disaster because being alone means I'm not alive to anyone but me. Alone feels like history. I can think of people everywhere who can only hear their own heartbeat, this very instant, sometimes always. But, like history, it's something I'm only aware of, never touching. I can think them into love and warmth and Christmas all I want, but as their minutes pass, loneliness keeps falling; white and cold, like a blanket of snow.



Love is grey. And no one will let me think so. But, I am unconvinced and letting weeks slip by without absence take over. Some people love and fall apart because breathing never seems quite as satisfying when no one is waiting for your chest to rise and fall. Some people dive in, head first, and lose themselves before they even knew exactly where to find them. Most people search forever, and feel black, and empty, until they see their first snow flake fall from heaven like an accident. And after that, life is white. Because if you could choose, whatever else would it be?



But, I don't love like that. I cannot swim and I can breathe all by myself. I am not guarded. But I like logic. I like the way it looks and feels beneath my bare feet. I don't see myself as capable of letting go, and falling in. I'll probably always think in reason. I may forever set up camp on the fence post. Where the temperature is just right, all year around. This way my feet stay grounded, and my head still gets a view. This way I feel safe, but I feel wanted. It seems in a world of black and whites, that simply doesn't happen. When you find happiness, you are almost always leaving logic in the dust, and skipping towards some silver lined image that turns into ash as you approach. Well, I'm not skipping. I am walking, maybe at a mosey. I am taking my time and thinking of the future and weighing my options and playing it safe and being realistic and doing a million things that one does not do when they fall in love. I do not want to fall.



Love is grey. Everything on this planet is black and white. Nothing, ever, in any case, never is any shade different. There are things that are, and will always be awful, and tainted, and terrible and inevitable. And those things do not change. While far in the distance beauty, and perfection, and ecstasy remain unharmed by shadows. These things never touch. They never mix like paint to make a reality with survivable ups and downs. They never make love and make greyness. They never create for you a happy medium.



Unless it's love. Love is grey. Love is dark and light and black and white and holds everything awful and everything beautiful in it's hands. Nothing, ever, is everywhere all at once. Nothing is both colors, in harmony, at last. Nothing is ever black and white. Nothing is ever a perfect shade of grey. Nothing but love.
I'm so sleepy.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-10-10
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by ~beingabletobreathe Love through the eyes of an over-rational with OCD. ( Suggested by RiseandBe and Featured by inknalcohol )
:iconyogateacher:
YogaTeacher Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Grey is my favourite colour. I find it beautiful. What you said about love being grey- your description of love as a grey in a black and white world- was beautiful.
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:icontowertramp:
towertramp Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
"Some people love and fall apart because breathing never seems quite as satisfying when no one is waiting for your chest to rise and fall. "
This line is incredible! I really enjoyed reading this. Wonderful work!
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:iconteabutton:
teabutton Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013  Student General Artist
I seriously love this. Thank you.
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:iconwildbeasttamerdoesmc:
I kept reading this over and over. I love it! 
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:iconchompies:
chompies Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
i don't even know which words to use to describe how wonderful this is! you are an amazing writer! :heart:
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:icondiphylla:
diphylla Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Congrats on your DD! :pumpkin:
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:iconokitakehyate:
Okitakehyate Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
Very interesting. I can relate on so many levels! Things have always been the same with me when it comes to friends... "Friendship is black and turns to ash in my hands. It is dust, so hard to hold. I am keeping still so none escapes, but it feels like at any moment, the wind will kick up and steal it all away" describes my life perfectly... My friends would always leave me no matter how hard I tried to hold them.. I wasted many years "playing it safe" before I finally gave up all hope & let go of nearly every friend I ever had... my heart aches to think about it.. but I realized with time that if they couldn't except me as I am they weren't "worth the exhaustion" or even "the thoughts that were keeping me sane"... I eventually let go of them and my sanity & let my mind be devoured by insanity... Unfortunately it was then that I found love & fell in... into that perfect shade of gray.. The most beautiful shade that I had ever laid eyes upon... When I am with my love he & I are gray together always... but unfortunately his mother is the kind whom when I'm around I must fit the mindset of "I am wary about my words and am second guessing everything." which is a mind set I have long since forgotten.. because she wants me to be "graceful, trusting & clean white", but I am only white when I am alone... because "Being alone is white and is like snow ever falling on me. It is easy. And there is nothing to it. It's untouchable because flaws and imperfections slip away like dreams and whenever I screw up, I am my only witness. I can think my way out of disaster because being alone means I'm not alive to anyone but me." that was how I grew up... but when I'm not alone the whole world can see that really truly at my core I am... "dark, scary, and demanding black"... Only when I am with my love can I truly be gray... For he is my white. I constantly skip tword that silver lined image though... even though his mother constantly tries her best to turn it into ashes... Right now at best my life is a midnight snow in the cold dark north... the sky is always black as far as the eye can see & the white snow never stops falling.... I stand & wait for that day when he can leave his mom behind & we can marry & be gray together forever...
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
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:iconswimmingsiren:
SwimmingSiren Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
Beautiful. I have struggled with OCD and depression for a long time and this describes it well.
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:iconlunarspoon:
LunarSpoon Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Interesting philosophies! :heart: It sounds more like Asperger's syndrome.
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:iconi-is-smart:
I-is-smart Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
possible, its not uncommon to have both OCD and Aspergers I have both I think... I know I am an Aspie but I have strong suspicions that I also have OCD

the parts about preferring logic to all out emotion, friendships being fragile (I.E. social awkwardness causing friends to misunderstand or outright ditch you) and the enjoyment of spending time alone where she won't be judged on mistakes and can think more clearly sound somewhat like aspergers but I am no psychologist so I can't diagnose it.

I can relate to her thought processes in some ways though not on all parts but thats natural because even if she is an aspie she has different life experiences and ideas then me. also she seems better with words then me, making somewhat beautiful poetry where as I give a technical analysis of everything XD
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:iconlunarspoon:
LunarSpoon Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I know, I also have both. xD 
The writing felt more relatable to Asperger's, although many other conditions are associated with AS like OCD or ADD. It just feels like people throw around "OCD" a lot so it's getting harder for people to take it seriously. 

Really, this art is so descriptive and filled with imagery, that I think it could relate to anything.
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:iconskythekid1:
skythekid1 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Amazing...and so true :D
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:iconifyousayyouloveme:
IfYouSayYouLoveMe Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This gave me chills... It's amazingly written!
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:iconkmills95:
kmills95 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, I love this take on the colour grey... So different than the way I view it. This is an extraordinary piece of literature. Thank you :)
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:iconarthur55623:
Arthur55623 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, great job!
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:iconprincessrosalina100:
PrincessRosalina100 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

:iconcongratsdd1plz::iconcongratsdd2plz::iconcongratsdd3plz:

you're a good writer btw

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:icongreennyy:
Greennyy Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
wow.
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:iconer49563:
er49563 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Student General Artist
I realllyyyy like this!  but I hate how everything is about love..  I am the one sitting in the gentle snowflakes, waiting for more to fall..  not out of choice.
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:iconsovriin:
Sovriin Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Student Artisan Crafter
This is really very lovely. Beautiful :)
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:iconxiii-c:
XIII-C Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
This was just the most beautiful text I've ever read...
Your concept is simple but it is also very deep.
Good job and congratulation for the Daily Deviation.
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:iconsheik91:
Sheik91 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
"Breathing never seems quite as satisfying when no one is waiting for your chest to rise and fall."

One of the best lines in prose I've read in quite a while. Job well done!
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:iconguineveretogwen:
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Student Writer
Your writing is amazing. And this is amazing. And just... wow. Amazing. :)
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:iconmenollysagittaria:
MenollySagittaria Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm sorry you don't include friendship in "love," but I'm with you on everything else. A very, very interesting take on things.

I was using gray to paint the other day, in order to make the pure colors more "realistic," and I realized I was using more black than white. ;)
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:iconokitakehyate:
Okitakehyate Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
There is a reason for that, I may not know her personally, but I know from my own experience a reason why I would not myself.... I was like her, my friendships have always been blacker then the deepest cavern on a moonless night... my friends betrayed me & left many daggers in my back.... I have never been truly embraced, excepted, valued, praised, or loved by anyone who has ever dared to call themselves my friend.. to them I have been only someone to past the time with until they found some foolish petty reason to hate me or simply grew bored with me & cast me aside like a broken toy... I used to think that friendship was forever & was something meaningful that could grow & last a lifetime.... I used to believe that anyone could have a friend simply by being a friend... but all I learned was that I was wrong.. You are lucky, or young and naive... I can tell that you've never been hurt before like I was to think that friendship & love could ever be one in the same... I found love after I'd completely given up all hope of friendship... I found that only someone truly, deeply, madly in love with me could ever see & except my black little heart & all that I am & be friends with me... Only someone truly blinded by a light so white with the trust of one in love could see all my flaws & imperfections as lost in a blur of gray. I have only one truly loyal, dependable, & trustworthy friend in this world & he is my love.
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:iconmenollysagittaria:
MenollySagittaria Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I have one "best" friend, and we're likely to remain best friends all our lives. I'm only one quarter in to my life, but that's the way it seems. I have a few other friends, but they're not all that close. Since I'm an introvert, I don't really cast a very wide net.

I'm sorry that you've had such bad luck. Our society really seems to devalue friendship nowadays (what would you say the ratio of movies about friendship vs. romance is?) and it's not a trend I like or think is even remotely good for humans in general. We're social creatures, genetically wired to live in communal groups, but we've become increasingly materialistic and selfish from where I sit.

What do you think about family?

I hope one day someone comes across you and gives you a reason to second guess your verdict on friendship. Until then, may the conviction that one person can literally be your everything hold up for you. Because it certainly doesn't for me.

If your partner is blind to your flaws, that's not going to last. And well it shouldn't.
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:iconokitakehyate:
Okitakehyate Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013
My thoughts on that is mainly that I hadn't really noticed the trend in movies because growing up I watched more anime then movies & in anime like Pokemon & Digimon & Yu-Gi-Oh & One Piece I was fed alot of stuff about the power of friendship & actually made the mistake of doing the opposite of societies trend... I bought too much into friendship, over valued it & set unrealistic expectations that ultimately led to unbearable disappointment & despair... because I wrote checks that today's friendship under-valuing society couldn't cash... It was hard for me because unlike you, I'm an extrovert.. but it's a painful thing to be when people run from you like you've got the plague.. All my life I've always thought there was something wrong with me, but Oh My God! You've finally opened my eyes & made me realize what it REALLY IS ...it's NOT ME ITS "THEM"! I'd never thought of it that way before or understood why it was that no one valued friendship as much as I did... It's sad that it actually led to destroying my faith in friendship just because I got so tired of disappointment. I have some hope, but it's very very small....

Family... good question.. that too is an opinion that has been twisted over time... My family started out being smotheringly nice, doting, spoiling, safe, dependable, and so laid back & lienient that I could talk about anything in any way & get away with anything, then my mom developed a Jackel & Hyde persona & got this dark-side to her that was really verbally/emotionally abusive & I met my fiance's mother & she was even worse.. so family went from something safe & comforting to something I wanna run away from.. mostly I just to create my own & try to do a better job then either my family or his.

& as for that last part... it's twisted logic like that that really pisses me off! ...it makes me wish you were a twig in my hands so I could break you in half! I don't like that I'm angry enough to think such things, but to say such a thing you obviously know nothing! Love isn't finding a perfect person, it's seeing an imperfect person perfectly... When you've found the right one it's most often because you see yourself in them... & when you do that, you value their shared good qualities as much as you value your own & ignore/forgive their bad qualities you have in common just as easily as you would your absent-mindedly cast aside your own.. & sometimes it grows to the point where you get the desire in your heart to be just like them so bad that you want to further emulate them both for better & for worse until you become their shadow... that and generally the more you love someone the more you want to see only the good in them & the more your try to ignore & deny the bad until you get all tangled up in a web of your own delusions deceiving yourself until you believe your own fantasies & lies that you've wove & told yourself & can except only the belief you hold that they are undeniably, absolutely, with out a doubt, perfect. That's why I believe that love is in essence losing your mind. He's blind to my faults because he wants to be, he wouldn't look at my faults if someone held his eyes open with toothpicks & made him do it.. He'd defend me & make excuses to deny what he saw & I'd do the same for him... We've done it before against our own mothers/ach others & that's why they've both grown to hate us...
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:iconchromevalentine3:
ChromeValentine3 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Student Writer
This is probably one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I have ever witnessed. Pulling the reader in, making them feel the emotions that you felt as you wrote this, making them imagine what it's like to be in those situations. This is making me look at my life in a whole different way. Thank you for this beautiful piece of writing.
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:iconsinnibelle:
Sinnibelle Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thank you
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:iconcdee23:
CDee23 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist

This is amazing. :cries:

 

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:iconamu99b:
Amu99b Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
This is the most beautiful and well written piece I have ever read. Poetic, but not too abstract. A pleasure to read. You are amazing, if you continue like this you can live on writing.
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:iconidleme:
idleme Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Student General Artist
GORGEOUS.
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:iconmisslunarose:
MissLunaRose Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013   General Artist
Beautiful piece! Congratulations on the Daily Deviation! :heart:
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:icon6thgun:
6thGun Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
Beautiful... That seriously is all I can say. It's perfect. Heart 
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:iconlostinmyownlife:
LostInMyOwnLife Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
This is beautiful. It felt grey and absorbing and pulled me along gently.
You have a wonderful talent - I'm jealous of how eloquently you put this into words.
Thank you so much for writing this.
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:iconmarvelousmavis:
marvelousmavis Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
wrote the whole thing then says "i'm so sleepy" .  . .I guess your brain likes messing with you! :D hehe!
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:iconautomaticarsonist:
automaticArsonist Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
wow.
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:iconiridescentcatalyst:
IridescentCatalyst Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
I can relate. Great work!
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:iconlostgryphin:
LostGryphin Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Amazing! Congrats on the DD~
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:iconsilhouette-txd:
Silhouette-TxD Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
whoa. nice, the starting was especially nice, and it really compels readers to read more
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:iconaway-with-knives:
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Student General Artist
<3
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:iconkyanitearcher:
KyaniteArcher Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
"I'd pour the creamy paint into a bowl and watch as black and white swirls, turned into grey swirls and owned the container holding it captive."
Repetition of the word "swirls".
Also, the comma after the word "but" should be moved to before it.

Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece- it's honest, and stayed true to its theme of black and white (and grey) without seeming repetitive. :) Grats on the well-deserved DD!


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:iconvmenfangirl:
VMenFangirl Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
So BEAUTIFUL!!! :iconclappingplz: I LOVE this SO MUCH :icononegaiplz: doesn´t matter which color is it :D :iconbwavoplz::iconwuvplz:
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
    Have a nice day! :heart:
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:icondiddstar:
diddstar Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow this is fantastic! haha, I absorbed every word and understood it completely. your are a very talented writer!
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:iconbeingabletobreathe:
beingabletobreathe Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.
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:iconfangofthedoglord:
fangofthedoglord Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
IF love is grey then it is both everything and nothing. For white is created by the presence of all colors and black by the lack of it. Beautiful and thoughtful piece, I enjoyed reading it. I would encourage you from my own experience not to be too cautious. Sometimes it is worth the burn to rush into love, and sometimes...it is not. That is your own choice to make.
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:iconokitakehyate:
Okitakehyate Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
I agree, the writer & I are alike in the paths our lives have taken, but I've gone a different way... I've chosen to forsake logic & allow my sanity to die in the name of becoming one with that deep grey love. What I have found is that it is immensely, infinitely worth it, to become one with that which is both everything and nothing, be everywhere at once & to hold all that is beautiful & terrible within your hands. The sad reality is... that the only way to truly become that perfect gray is to become un-grounded, let your feet float off the ground, stop being realistic, and loose yourself completely... For it may be scary to fall, but you will feel far more powerful & deliriously happier then ever before the moment you loose yourself and let someone else find you. There is no better feeling in all the world beneath the heavens then to allow yourself to become truly and perfectly one with another! ...& I'm not talking about sex.. I am talking about true soul mates! Two souls mating to literally become one!!! I kid you not, when you've found the right one it's easy to forget where you end & they begin, sometimes I forget whether I'm holding his hand or holding my own hand, because our heart-rates & body temperatures have synchronized & his very aura has become an extension of my own that I can no longer sense as a separate entity... Though admittedly the hard part is to avoid getting wrapped up in the moment like this.
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:iconfangofthedoglord:
fangofthedoglord Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm happy you have found someone like that. I had thought i had found that person but I was wrong
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:iconokitakehyate:
Okitakehyate Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013
That's too bad, I hope you do find someone like that someday.
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